Dave's a nice guy, isn't he? All that smiling he does, all of those good causes he supports, all of the efforts he's made for the environment. Why, he's almost as nice as people used to think Tony Blair was!

Except... except his deeds don't quite match his words. He cares for the environment though, doesn't he? If there's one thing people know about Dave, it's that he cares about the environment. That's why he cycles to work, and that's why he's so interested in those glaciers, right? Well yes, he cycles to work... and has his chauffeur drive after him with his papers and a change of clothes. And that glacier in Norway; how did he get there exactly? On a private plane, perhaps? He could have at least rowed ahead by boat and had the plane follow him!

Ah, but such are the trivialities of politics. No leader is free of a minor hypocrisy or two, are they? And next to Tony Blair, Dave's still an innocent novice. It's not like he supported the war in Iraq, is it? Oh. In fact, Cameron is probably even more neo-con than Blair. Conservative commentator Matthew Parris described one of his speeches thus:

"a hog-whimperingly neoconservative speech about jihadism made at the Foreign Policy Centre in London nine months ago — a speech that compared doubters over the Iraq war with the appeasers of Nazism"

So much for the "liberal conservative".

But the war on terror is a moral judgement call, and we can't deny a man his views, can we? No, Dave must really be a nice guy behind the scenes. His green coat of paint might be peeling away to reveal the blue underneath, but he must have something good about him?

Perhaps he's on the side of the little guy, the family trying to pay the bills or the small businessman trying to keep his head above water in an age of intense competition. Here's Dave, slaying a Tory sacred cow and insisting that ethical standards must apply in business:

...I've never believed that we can leave everything to market forces.

I'm not prepared to turn a blind eye if the system sometimes leaves casualties in its wake.

Unless shortcomings are addressed, the entire system risks falling into disrepute.
If a supermarket opens a convenience store on the high street and uses its financial muscle to drive down prices until small shops are forced out of business - and then immediately puts prices up again - we need to complain.

These are the kinds of things I mean when I say that I'm prepared to stand up to big business.

So that's right, he's going to help small businesses by "complaining" about supermarkets and convenience stores. But even this weak statement has a somewhat difficult encounter with the facts:

One of Conservative leader David Cameron's new breed of business backers is a millionaire landlord who has been accused of using ruthless tactics against tenants. Trevor Pears, 42, whose family owns 15,000 properties, is alleged to be driving out small shops in favour of supermarkets and forcing out tenants through legal loopholes.

Can we now expect Dave to "complain" about this? Or will he just turn a blind eye?

Well, let's be charitable to him. He needs those donors, and if a bit of misery on the part of ordinary tenants helps to secure the greater good of a new Tory government, who are we to complain? After all, Dave has promised to make us happy.

Dave's idea of happiness is something called "work-life balance". Well, if we'd all inherited millions of pounds, I daresay we could balance things however we wanted. But, unlike some, we haven't. For an increasing number of people, the balance is distorted not by too much work, but by not having work at all. So what's Dave going to do about this? Well, he's going to talk about it a lot, that's for sure. He's urging businesses to adopt "flexible working practices", citing numerous examples, such as ASDA Wal-Mart. Presumably this is the same company that the GMB union has called for an investigation of, following accusations of unsafe practices, and the same company that was fined £850,000 for breaches of employment law earlier this year.

Well maybe Dave's niceness is a mystery, but at least he's a nice bloke, isn't he? After all, he has lots of friends. He's even friendly with rock stars like Thom Yorke. Thom is such a great chum of Dave that he even played Dave's favourite Radiohead song for him at a recent gig, and if Thom Yorke thinks he's a nice guy then that's good enough for me! Except... he doesn't.

So he's a green guy who thinks it's OK to use a car so long as you're not actually in it at the time, who thinks that the way to save glaciers is to fly around pumping carbon out into the atmosphere, who thinks he's a "liberal" but wants to abolish the Human Rights Act, who wants to take on big supermarket chains except when he's praising them for their dodgy employment practices, who wants to take on big businessmen except when they're donating him money and who is friends with everyone except when they don't really like him at all.

The questison has to be asked: are there two David Camerons, and why doesn't the nice one do something about the slimy narcissist who is ruining his reputation by impersonating him?